shouts of nothingness

Sunil's Shaayari!

2008-06-20T04:31:00.000-07:00

ab ke ham bichade to shayad kabhi khawabon mein mile,

jis tarah suukhe hue phuul kitaabon mein mile

ab na woh main hu, na tu hai na woh maazii hai `Faraaz',

jaise do shakhs tamannaa ke saraabon main mile...

Pari ya Parinda - Mubaarak ho tumhe!

This was a comment on my last post.Been ages since i have touched the blog.So much has happened, so much that I could do without. So much that I would have really enjoyed, had not a few incidents over shadowed life. And OHHHHH, by the way, figured out the last post.Pari naheen sunil, regular parinda hi hai.Will try and write more.

Touched by an Angel!

2007-10-14T05:09:00.000-07:00

I have met my angel.Feel blessed at times , monitored at times, neglected at times. Am learning to handle this new experience. Will write more when I understand this experience. Or maybe never.

Serendipity!

2007-08-14T23:51:00.000-07:00

Fortunate accident!

Hmmm

2007-01-10T05:40:00.000-08:00

Somewhere in December was having this real deep conversation with my neighbor.They are a real nice couple.I was irritated, frustrated and all the rated stuff and I guess it was showing.Aunty asked me, "you think a lot , don't you?", I just smiled.Uncle then said "remember one thing, you are not a failure, it is the system that has failed you". I was so overwelmed that I felt pukish.Had to excuse myself and run home to vomit.Guess I felt better after that.Would love to continue the conversation with him.

What am I looking for.

2007-01-10T05:36:00.000-08:00

This is a piece a friend wrote way back in 2002.I guess we are still lookin for this and don't want to accept reality.Check it out.

'm looking for a wallet I lost long back,
for intelligence that I lack,
I'm looking for world peace
(but we know it wouldn't come that ease!).
I'm looking for 'worm holes' to travel through time
And a find an easy way to reduce the crime,
I'd want to know whether God exists,
They don’t answer, but I'll persist.
Am looking for a way to blend
Spiritualism, Communism and Capitalism,
But what I found in the end,
Sounded much like Existentialism.
I'm looking for a nuke that kills
Not the one but the one who uses,
Let's get rid of this socio-religio-political mess,
But before anyone else, let's start with the US!
I'm looking for ways to become Siperman,
If not Superman, Batman or even He-Man,
Or maybe I should look for Aladdin's Lamp,
But with these powercuts, maybe I can only use it as a
lamp!
My brain cells are slowly turning to a sQuantum soup,
If I don't stop here, I'm afraid you'll puke!

So, what I'm looking for? Well, nothing much...
Maybe everything, maybe nothing,
Just can't put it as such-and-such.
Why not meet and get surprised,
If you knew everything at the outset,
What would be left to be desired???

I'm a kid who loves to scream,
A man who loves to dream,
I'm a bird who wants to fly,
Am a wet cat who needs to dry.
OK, OK, let me say it,
what I'm looking for is not a myth,
but just a good friend to be bed with!

There I said it, I'm done,
Why not you take my baton and start the run?
“I listen to his silent footsteps. He comes… he comes…
ever he comes…”
Cheers to Tagore!

Current Team Snaps!

2006-11-20T11:10:00.000-08:00

Spent a lifetime preparing for a lifetime.

2006-10-17T12:09:00.000-07:00

I was at Seleena's place in Bangalore where we were talking about the turns in my life & trying to analyse the why's & the what now's when I got a phone call which ran real long. She switched on the TV & stumbled onto this movie called Little Black Book on HBO.After the call I came & sat down to watch the movie with her. Thats when the main character started talking my mind. Both Seleena and me looked at each other & we were like " how come we never stumbled on this movie ever before & it had to happen today"?
Like a line which says :-

Question :how does a girl who falls, no actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged?
Answer: she doesn't.
OR
There are moments in life when you hope your decisions weren't rash. And moments where you just know.
OR
You've gotta prepare for the life you want.
OR
Knowledge is a terrible and a marvelous thing
OR
I needed a reality check.The line between right and wrong had blurred.In my search for truth,I had become the lie.

I hope you Dance!!!!!!!!

2006-05-03T03:31:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Roy( the guy with the guitar who commented on my last post, see Roy,is this not more than charan ki dhool????hehe) I have got hooked to www.pandora.com. Have listened to so much music and stuff that I never gt to hear otherwise. But the last thing I wanted to listen to is

hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty hande

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,
I hope you dance, I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking
Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,
I hope you dance (time is a wheel in constant motion always)

Its like my Mom talking to me. Got all emotional. But this is sooo nice. Am plugged to my system now. Too many things happening in my life, all at the same time. Hope I get better and get over.You know what they say,forgive & forget,re-live and regret.

Smart Rude One Liners!

2006-04-12T00:04:00.000-07:00

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13 I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32 A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34 Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done

Been deceived & looking for Sky Blue.

2006-04-02T21:03:00.000-07:00

Was reading Madhavan's Blog http://o3.indiatimes.com where I got reading one of his friends comments. I was laughing while reading it. I thought it made good reading. Check it out.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

Neil Gaiman quotes (English born American Author of the The Sandman, b.1960)

Another stream of thought!!!!

"Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, "hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "no - I want magenta!""

Why would anyone read my blah? Ok,here's somemore.

2006-03-24T22:31:00.000-08:00

Guess what, I am back to hearing songs from Alley McBeal. It heals. I had completely forgotten about this cd. Now Alley is someone i related to. When i saw a few series,I bonded with her. SO much like me, so much like many of us. Its just that my story is real close to hers. Bouncer pointed out that my life is not like her's cos i dont get laid like her.Huh! Now those are cultural differences. We bond anyways BOUNCER.

I've been down this road,walk'in the line,
thats painted by pride
And i have made mistakes in my life
that i just can't hide

oh i belive i am ready for what love has to bring
got myself together,now I'm ready to sing
I've been search'in my soul tonight,
I know there's so much more to life,
now i know i can shine a light,
to find my way back home.

one by one the chains around me unwind,
every day now i feel that i can leave those years behind,
ohhh i've been thinking of u for long time,
there's a side of my life where i've been blind and so..

Baby i've been holding back now my whole life,
I've decided to move on now,
gonna leave all the worries behind.
I belive i am ready for love has a gift,
Got myself together,and now i'm ready to live..................!!!!!!!

Shall make this my anthem.Yesterday was nice. Spoke for so long with anki,raj,raj roopa,bouncer,zak,smita blah blah blah,till my phone battery died on me.I just could not pretend to be busy. So went out into the lobby & yapped away. Then in the evening went back to my floor after 3 weeks.Feel so much at home there.The Business office is not such a warm place,or maybe I hardly know them,so..... Had so many people coming and talking to me,telling me how much i am missed. Its so sweet of them.Now I did not know we were having a team dinner.Anyways,called mom & told her i'll be late. Went out to this 'chinise,malaysian,thai' restaurant'.Decent. I think my stomach is becoming delicate.Its still burning.Lots of chatter & noise & fun.Miss them all sooooo much.Came back home with a badddddd cold. I was waiting for it since 3 days. Could feel the temprature,headache,eyes watering.It better leave me soon.

Small World

2006-03-02T11:45:00.000-08:00

For all those who read my last post, Sunil SMS'd today. He writes"Well,very surprised to see your mail. Even more surprising is that I am on your mind! Jo khayaloon mein na rahe, unko kya yaad karu? Aap to hamare dil mein hain, yaad kyon karu! Sunil Bhadri.
***grin***
Shall call him tomorrow :-) I could do with some shayari & sulking in poetic style.

Sunil the Shayar.

2006-02-26T14:35:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, but he is on my mind since the past few days, especially after I heard about CVS's death. CVS was our professor in Mass Comm. I did not know him much, but he was interesting. Thats for sure. We all will surely remember him for his animated talks full of life and enthusiasm. He took our film appreciation classes, a major Amitabh fan, he was full of stories. I ofcourse had an attitude at that time & thought that learning to appreciate films was such a waste of time & a no purpose thingy. I was in search of a purpose. Sadly, I still am. But there were many who really enjoyed this man's company. Since I was always at such a distance from him he never would ask me for my submissions & I would do him a favour by submitting something for his class. But man, do I suddenly regret not knowing him.

This brings me to Sunil. The shayar of our class. A real deep thinker, critique to the core. He was in love with hindustani classical & sher-o-shayari. I remember rushing to the library to find material to submit some last minute assignment where i would find this guy in rubber slippers,chewing gutka & busy reading something with his walkman on. On my first day to the uni, when I bumped into him, I was like "godddddddddddddd" do I have to study with these kind of people. I suddenly regretted being in a prized group of 18 students in a reputed course of one of the top 5 Universities in India.But when the ice was broken, this was the same guy who I gelled with. I remember sharing his earphone and suddenly realising how beautiful Classical music can be. Till then I was fed on total bollywood songs(thanks to my dad I knew a bit of Ghazals & sher-o-shayari,my dad used to conduct sham -e-ghazals to encourage budding poets & to fuel reputed ones,but by the time I grew up my dad lost complete interest in everything,so did not learn to appreciate or understand it much). Total Sindhi girl,no taste for art.But with Sunil, I went back to appreciate shers.

We used to keep exchanging shers. I used to deliberately make an attempt to listen to them, so that our conversation is interesting. He used to call me the Harrapan dancing girl.Not because I danced, but because I used to stand like her.(for those who dont know,with hands on the hips). Now I tried to consciously not stand like that,but he would more or less catch me off guard standing like that. I can go on and on.I dont know why I am thinking of him. So if any of you guys know where he is, please ask him to get in touch. The last I heard of him was in 2004 when he wrote in that he was filming with ShriPrakash Sir on some heady stuff.I SMS'd him too. He says,he has no idea about his where abouts. So guys,please.And Suinl,in case you read i do remember "tum aa gayeey ho, Noor aa gaya hai,naheen to chiraagoon sey lau ja rahee thee"

pic

2006-02-12T13:16:00.000-08:00

Thats me now.See,thats what she talks about. Heavy dark circles, unkept hair, no real style clothing and no taking care of oneself. But she still loves me;-).
She's got new ways of describing me now.'complicated' 'retarded' 'dreamer' 'split-personality.....' to name a few.To the extreme left is my dad, the one in glasses is my mom,next is a cousin who came visiting from abroad with her aunt next to her & her aunts daughter.Then me.

Mom's Fav

2006-02-12T13:07:00.000-08:00

Thats my mom's all time favourite snap of mine. She goes "See, till u were in my hands you were so beautiful, I kept you so well, you were my princess. And look at you now. Total junglee,ungroomed,untidy,blah blah blah.....". But I am still her princess. I still cannot do without her good morning kisses. I have a total Mother Fixation. hehe. As a kid I never used to like my mother talking to other kids. I wanted her all for myself. I used to insist that where ever she is, when I come back from from school on Saturday, I should find her home or I would sulk endlessly. She's the best thing the creator gave me. This one time God, I am greatful to you. Thank you.

The Human White Balace Theory. (Shrinath Jayaram)

2006-02-11T02:43:00.000-08:00

This is a very interesting piece.Jerry, my class mate from P.G. had written it to all of us explaining his theory of the human white balance which he had started off while in the University. I hope its O.K. with him that I am posting his letter here, but since its got nothing personal & sounds high funda,am hoping he is fine with it. What I noticed here Jerry is that you were playing the same game that you so detested"Bullshit Bingo". Remember!!!!!!!! Read on......

Folks,

I kinda figured out the now fabled "Human white balance"
conundrum. And I am in a tearing hurry so, please flex your
meaning making muscle to the fullest.

What I meant to say:

You white balance a camera's eye to factor in color
distortions (from the ideal of white light) caused by
prevalent light conditions. In doing so, the image that you
transfer to the recording medium (tape) remains true to the
color scheme of your mise enscene (which is as objective to
an individual as it is subjective to different makes of the
solid state device, the color distribution, that is).

You white balance the spectator's eyes by being reflexive
to your "worlding" - your ontological, epistemological
location; your lived experience. There are many aesthetic
strategies to achieve this reflexivity. But the analogy
with the white balance is that, in the tragic lack of any
objectivity at all, you need to represent the phenomenon by
placing yourself in the frame and not purport to represent
some "objective" noumenon. Just as you place the actual
light conditions in front of the camera's eyes.

Its easy to white balance a camera, because the object you
choose (a sheet of white paper), you can confidently say is
"optically white", and the "whiteness" can be pretty much
objectively quantified.

But if you're worlded with the notion that you are just an
aberration from the White Anglo Saxon Protestrant
Heterosexist ideal, then white balancing your own eyes and
subsequently your audience's might prove to be an
impossible task.

The trick i think is to decolonise the mind.

Jerry

He said,She said.

2006-01-28T09:40:00.000-08:00

He: dont cry
He: please
He: laugh
He: we will not talk
He: is that ok,if thats what you want
She:sorry
He: thats ok
She:You wont have to bear this ever again
He: why not
He: i want to bear this everyday
He: so who are you to deny me
She:i am no one
He: well you are no one to deny me this.
He: i will call you everyday
He: and bug you
He: dont worry

So said Ani!

2006-01-24T15:48:00.000-08:00

"If you could use reasoning at every point in time in your life...you'd have been different".Makes complete sense.He put it in a much more complicated manner though.I had to plead dyslexia & then he agreed to be charitable & make it simple.By the way Ani is full of profound stuff. He is my Hobbes cos he makes me feel like Calvin.But the dull child can be funny & foolish at times.
Check out his music http://gravityunderground.blogspot.com . Shall make this a link once I get a hang of it.

Right Here Waiting:Richard Marx

2006-01-04T16:02:00.000-08:00

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter,
I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Am stretching to work but Zak is playing such beautiful songs. Just ten minutes ago....nevermind.
He played this song & closed his eyes,saw a tear falling off. I wanted to cry too,real badly.
Tried.Guess I have no tears.

Not enough this,now he's playing.....
"Pyaar ke liyeey chaar pal kab nahee theey,
Kabhee tub nahee they,kabhee hum nahee theey"
Hmmm. I am so not working.
Kabhee itney majboor to hum naheen theey.
Sulk, sulk,super sulk.

New Years!

2005-12-31T06:28:00.000-08:00

What am I looking for in this new year?
Courage,conviction & passion.
Did I tell you about my fortune cookie?
Went out for lunch last Tuesday & was given
a fortune cookie.It read 'Don't expect romantic attachments to be strictly logical or rational!
Hmm. Ok. You got me Mr. Cookie man.
Hope you have an interesting new year.
Cheers.

Three Monkeys In My Life.

2005-12-19T18:33:00.000-08:00

Did I tell you about the three monkeys in my life. They have been collected over a period of five years. They are precious to me. Am still to understand 'Why'. If you are thinking about Mahatma Gandhi's three monkeys, then yes. They too have the exact deficiencies. Cannot see, cannot hear & cannot talk. Or lets put it this way 'Will not see, Will not hear, Will not talk'. And the best part is, all three of them suffer from one or more deficiencies at some time or the other. If its getting too difficult to follow, nevermind. I just need to call them MONKEYS. Rest is inconsequential. Just like all three are. Sometimes I wonder if I am a part of their life,like they are a part of mine, or are they a fiction of my mind. I think I should move to lala land, cos I am losing it big time with these namoonas. Wonder why I even care about them.

From where I stand today, one is completely blind, does not want to see what he wants, though he knows what he wants. The second is so deaf, that even if I shout the reality into his years, he will shut them and belive what he wants to belive. And the third monkey, hmm. It will never speak,am sure. It will keep running away from its feelings and act like this 'larger than life' thingy who does not have anything to do with the measley world. But belive me, all three can take the others shoe any time,actually everytime. At any given time, more than one is standing on a single shoe. So, nice,interesting. Silly Monkeys!!!!!

What about you?

2005-12-04T11:21:00.000-08:00

If I had to name myself, I think I would call me "Maya".
For now they call me Alice in wonderland at work.
What about you? What would you name yourself.
Its such a difficult thing to do,na?

Great minds have purposes; others have wishes.(Washington Irving )

2005-10-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

I have recently seen a case where three employees of a firm were thrown out because they could not be productive to the organization with in the stipulated period of time (or so the management thought). They were just whisked off into a room one day & asked to resign so that their track record is clear & if they refused to resign, they would be terminated. These infuriated yet scared people agreed to resign but did make some noise in the ears of the ‘right’ people. But nothing much can be done if the ‘right’ people decide to ignore it. I understand that the firm is going through immense pressure, but more is expected from a leader during crisis.

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
Publilius Syrus ~100 BC

I guess this is a clear-cut sign that the management needs grooming. They need to come to the work place with a different set of ethics. Treat your subordinates like family, fine, but not just a chosen few. And the rest are given step motherly treatment. Sad, immature & highly demotivating. A leader is someone who the rest accept as a leader, else, he or she is an autocrat. Autocracy breeds discontent which in turn affects the quality & quantity of the employees work. I am not saying that the leader has to be a cuckoo bird, nice & sweet all the time, but please, when will they get over their ‘ego trip’ of being higher humans. It maybe too late. In this case, they refused to accept the fact that these employees were not given proper training. The people responsible for training them have a track record for being headstrong & not helpful. People have already complained about them, but to deaf ears. They are the ‘yes men’ of the management.

I don't want any "yes-men" around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
Samuel Goldwyn 1882-1974, American (Polish-born) movie producer
(I don’t know who he is. I am quoting him because he understands what I am saying.)

Today’s aggressive business climate makes extra demands on corporate leadership as corporations fight to compete on price, quality and standards of service with international competitors. Knowledgeable, intuitive, decisive and responsible leaders capable of instigating change, recognizing and seizing opportunities, and winning the support of the workforce are essential if organizations are to maximize their opportunities for growth and development. Why can they not see it if I can? My style of management is situational & so it should be. There cannot be a set of tools that can be used and reused in all situations. Therefore managers need to keep sharpening their ethics & morals. Corporates need some real time church like sermons. I am not saying all this because I am not in the management. I guess I am chalking it out to myself so that if some day I am there (if I have the patience to stick around) I know what I should not do. And what should I do? Situational I Say :0)

To some men the matter of giving orders seems a very simple affair: they expect to issue their own orders and have them obeyed without question. (...) Psychology, as well as our own observation, shows us not only that you cannot get people to do things most satisfactorily by ordering them or exhorting them; but also that even reasoning with them, even convincing them intellectually, may not be enough.(Mary Follett,psychologist,in,The Giving Of Orders).

My last party in my first job.

2005-10-02T14:20:00.000-07:00

My company hosted a party for the whole of my practice on Saturday. I managed to push myself to be there or a number of people would have beaten me up. I not only went, but also stayed till 4 in the morning. Am feeling very bad about leaving this firm. This is my first job, have been with this firm for more than a year. Have made good friends here. Change has never been easy for me. But I guess that its time for me to make a few decisions in life. I need a career, a solid one, not just work.
The party was fun. I was silent most of the night, but it was still fun. It’s nice to be surrounded by the warmth of friendship.
I just about managed to reach the venue to catch a dear friend trying his hand at humor on stage. Now this chap is naturally humorous, but that day, he just could not crack the code. Rest of the show done, we almost pounced at the dinner much before anyone else did & we started with dessert.
Then the lights went off, chairs swept away, music filled the room & then the naach gaana. Raj called each hour to ask if I had a drink or two as I was planning to get drunk that night. But he was so worried that I chucked the idea. Fine, I don’t drink, but I want to get drunk. But when you have someone so worried, it’s not worth it. Few drinks down the throat & people are having fun. The bar closes at 12, as the next day is a 'dry day'. People come to my chair & cutely stock all sorts of drinks there. And then I am supplying it to them for the rest of the night. So I did my own type of bartending for a day.
I was sitting happily with a few friends when the bouncer literally drags me onto the dance floor. Luckily for me, I did not need to dance, as he just kept moving me to the music, pulling me from here to there. So much for dancing, huh! I just about manage to settle down when another friend comes & drags me onto the floor. This time I decide to just move to the music. Not for a long time though. When I come back, an acquaintance tells me that he felt like throwing money on me when he saw me dancing. Now, I was not really impressed, but just about managed to smile.
Time passes, its 3 in the night & my head is splitting & my eyes are burning with the smoke. Just then the DJ announces that this is the last number which will play for 3 min. I am all glad and all when suddenly the panga man arrives & asks me for a dance. Here I must tell you about the panga man. This is the man who interviewed me & who gave me my job. I kinda liked him & we used to have these long interesting conversations on the way to work. I thought he was interesting & was a friend. Now, 2 months ago, thanks to his foolishness I had my first corporate panga. Now, I want to put that incident behind me, but I seriously thought he owed me an explanation because of which I was ignoring him royally. I did not know how to refuse & so went along. Just then the DJ announces his blah blah & ends it with saying "and guys, please practice safe sex, it’s a request". Both of us so damn embarrassed. Anyway, knowing that I am uncomfortable, my friends jump in & move me into their circle. I am breathing again. Soon, the party wraps up & time for me to go home. I already am missing these people. Guess I will never learn to 'move on'. I will always carry a heavy baggage of memories. Guess I like it that way:-)

Loser!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-09-21T15:34:00.000-07:00

Off late, I have been reading a blog of a person who is a friends friend. Now this guy said that his friend is pretty intelligent.While I was reading it the only thing that came to my mind was"loser".
All emotional stuff & lingering thoughts thrown in for the world to read.Now very cutely,I came back to my blog.And guess what? When I read it from the perspective of a person who does not know me,it read "Super Loser".Hmmm.That was quite a lot to admit.So from now on all attempts will be made to have intelligent discussions,indepth analysis,sharing of knowledge and those sort of things.So people do participate & also suggest topics of discussion.Lets see some serious action.

Calvin & Hobbes

2005-09-11T04:25:00.000-07:00

He said" What is it that troubles you all the time?"
I said" I dont know,but there is this mounting sense of dissatisfaction"
He said" But thats going to be there for life."
Then we moved on to talk about other things.

Nice Dialogue.

2005-09-09T16:31:00.000-07:00

Dosti acchi yaan buri naheen hooti!
Dost acchey yaah bureey hootey hain.
Just heard this on television.Nice.
Wonder what sort of a friend I have been?

hmm

2005-09-03T11:54:00.000-07:00

Leisure is the mother of pilosophy.
Thomas Hobbes.
I better get busy:-)

It's Final.

2005-09-03T01:53:00.000-07:00

Have decided. Life moves in circles. Just when you think you have moved ahead or moved on, you are standing at the same place, same space, same moment. You may be stepping on or off the circumference, but you can’t move away. Human beings live out of memory. They choose to call it experience. So, everyday, from the beginning to the end (if there is an end), you are reliving your past & adding onto it in your present to live your future. Have been thinking about this for years was right. The circle wins over any other diagrammatic representation of life.
What am I trying to say? Nothing.Zero! Zilch! It’s a circle too ;-)

Corporate Agony Uncles & Aunts.

2005-08-28T23:45:00.000-07:00

The first piece of advice I got from those immediately above me, in my first year in the corporate world: -
‘Things are a lot more unfair than you think they are.
If you cannot close your eyes at least don’t open your mouth’.

Second piece of advice: -
‘Nobody is a friend. Don’t trust anyone’.

Third piece of advice: -
‘Whereever you go, you will find delicate egos at the top management level.
Don’t try to show them right from wrong’.

My thought on this? I am not listening.

Just this morning.

2005-08-20T04:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, its another of those days when I am feeling lost. There is so much happening around me & I am still to react to them. Guess I am numb. Am laughing, talking, understanding etc basically I am questioning. Finished work at 3 in the morning & left for a colleague’s wedding. It was at 3.15 in the morning. So left with 4 friends in one of their car. All the 3 boys are total fun; the other girl with me is the quiet type. Now, please don’t wonder what type I am. It is a task to classify me; I am unpredictable to myself too, so don’t bother to bracket me. So, we left. This boy sitting with me wanted to hear “Dus bahaney karkey ley gayee dil”. The car jockey in the front seat tried his best to get to the song, but in vain. So all the way the topic of discussion was as to how sophisticated gadgetry can be confusing & utterly useless unless they start taking classes on how to use the consumer product sold & even conduct exams to make sure that the consumer has got the point. We almost banged into a circle, took bad bumpy roads, laughed, bitched, shouted. Basically bonded. And then suddenly I felt empty.
Anyway, we found the venue after taking 2 wrong lanes & then brightly walked into the right hall (after contemplating over which was the right one). People were bugged with me because I was in my jeans. Now, let me admit I am spaced out, so I forgot that I had to go for a wedding.
The bride looked all pretty. Am so happy for her. She is a real nice girl. Just hope she is happy. She should be. She does not question. Sitting around wondering if we will get to eat something. We are famished. Few others from work join us. When the marriage is done, we quickly go & wish her & run out. Most of us were feeling out of place there. I always feel out of place at weddings. Am not anti-social, but have felt the same since my childhood. Walked down, did not want to go home, so 10 of us decided to go to Paradise circle to have ‘bread omelet ‘ on a ‘bandi’. There is nowhere else to go at 4.30 in the morning. Then our Mr.Bouncer comes into action. Few calls here & there & he locates my Boss(ex now,yesterday was his last day) & another senior somewhere 10 km away. We pack into the car & go and join them.
Major awkward time this is. He has avoided me like plague since the day I joined. Don’t ask me why cos I think I know exactly why. Anyway, we get into this shabby place called ‘Diamond’. Major small talk happens & then we warn up enough to have fun. After a decent breakfast & lots of laughter I come to think that he’s ‘quite ok’. Anyway, too late (for him). Breakfast done, we get down, its early morning, drizzling, beautiful. They are standing on the pavement, smoking. We were small talking again & then I was noticing his cigarette. Everytime he moved his hand to the side to dust off the ash I would see this old man sitting there, looking needy, looking like he never had any shelter for days. I feel guilty for the breakfast I had & for the life I have, I wonder when I would have enough money or power to help him & many like him. Nothing else seems more meaningful. I feel empty again.
Parting time, byes said, my ex boss decides to drop me home as its on the way to his home. I so don’t want to go with him as I just don’t know what to talk. Anyway, we get into his new car & then we hit the road. Suddenly I’m feeling good. I like the car. Its drizzling, beautiful morning, been driven, nice music. I don’t want to talk, just drive. For the first time I’m thinking, I want a car like this. I thought I was a minimalist, but then I got to know I’m human. (stressing on the frailties,not the strengths). Suddenly, there’s no image of the old man, or of what I was thinking 15 min ago. Am thinking of when I would be able to afford the car. That’s when a friends line hit me. He says “Us humans are not designed to know how or why even”. He is the one who suggested the name of my blog spot. Guess he knew I would relate to it.Am feeling empty again.

Another Filmi Song!

2005-08-14T05:15:00.000-07:00

Popular music is indeed popular.
Whenever I hear this song:
Thoda saa pyaar hua hai,
Thoda hai baaki;
Hum too dil dey hi chukeey,
Bas tereey haan hai baaki......'
I laugh & think that if he could sing,he would sing this song.Right Pa?
Heights of positivism:-)

Whats with the run?

2005-08-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

Everyone is running & proclaiming 'I am the CFO,CEO,COO,the downhill tumble & roll champ, king of toad fingers, caption of high altitude tree branch Vista club, second place finisher in the ‘ Round the yard backward dash, Premier Burper State Division, Sodbuster & worm scout First Order &amp; General of Mud & Mayhem Society, CFO,CEO,COO……. All sound high funda,hehe. Ok,found a nice story,read. A group of working adults got together to visit their University lecturer. The lecturer was happy to see them. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
The Lecturer just smiled and went to the kitchen to get an assortment of cups - some porcelain, some in plastic, some in glass, some plain looking and some looked rather expensive and exquisite.
The Lecturer offered his former students the cups to get drinks for themselves.
When all the students had a cup in hand with water, the Lecturer spoke: "If you noticed, all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal that you only want the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. What all you wanted was water, not the cup, but we unconsciously went for the better cups." "Just like in life, if Life is Water, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups.

They are just tools to hold/maintain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change."

"If we only concentrate on the cup, we won't have time to enjoy/taste the water in it."
-Mother Teresa

The Virtual Community: I Relate,I Relate,I Relate,Aha!

2005-08-10T15:48:00.000-07:00

Have been reading this,real interesting. Wish someone was reading it with me so that we could discuss it.

http://www.rheingold.com/vc/book/

Read,read read.

Let me start with Me!

2005-08-09T16:28:00.000-07:00

Everyday brings more clarity with it & it brings with it the fog of memories. There are times when I feel so strong that I feel I can lead the world to a new beginning. Then there times when I feel so weak & insignificant that I totally want to believe in fate & life's plans for me & for the rest of the world.
I am not a person of rigid beliefs. I guess I should start by talking about myself because I believe that a viewpoint is literally a 'view point'. It comes from where you are at that time in life & the baggage you have collected over the years you have lived. I had a course in college where there were discussions about should a writer or a documentary film maker be 'a fly on the wall' or should they let the reader/viewer know where they stand in life in order to gift transparency to the colors in the words/frames. I think I owe it to my readers though most of them would be the ones I have known. I grew up without any rigid beliefs, open to all thoughts, absorbing as much as I could, thinking that slowly but surely one day I would make sense of the world around me. I guess my need to write comes from my need to make sense of my surroundings & the events occurring around me, affecting me, moving me, shaking me, breaking me, making me. I would like to believe that I am not prejudiced & come without any pre-conceived notions, with a constant need to think & evolve.

In the process of growing up I have had strong opinions about the education system, the law, religion, society, media, jobs, etc. I almost gave up my education as I felt that it was a total sham though I always went to the best of the institutes. But then some how managed to go to the university. I always questioned a lot, wondering why most of us do things the way we do them. Then I realized that most of us give up asking & fall into the pattern since it is easier to follow than to find your own way.
I have been asked to write by close friends. They have been asking me to do this for a long time. But then I thought I did not have anything to write about and that I had no right to write about things that I did not know much about. But off late I have come to realize that as you discuss, put your thought into words, then slowly, but surely, you do find a flow & then a pattern & then a solution (or at least a realization), or so I hope.I have no plans for this blog. It’s going to function as a personal diary & an open forum for interesting discussions. Let’s see where it goes.

What do I write about nothing?

2005-08-04T02:59:00.000-07:00

topics of discussion are invited.