Just this morning.

Ok, its another of those days when I am feeling lost. There is so much happening around me & I am still to react to them. Guess I am numb. Am laughing, talking, understanding etc basically I am questioning. Finished work at 3 in the morning & left for a colleague’s wedding. It was at 3.15 in the morning. So left with 4 friends in one of their car. All the 3 boys are total fun; the other girl with me is the quiet type. Now, please don’t wonder what type I am. It is a task to classify me; I am unpredictable to myself too, so don’t bother to bracket me. So, we left. This boy sitting with me wanted to hear “Dus bahaney karkey ley gayee dil”. The car jockey in the front seat tried his best to get to the song, but in vain. So all the way the topic of discussion was as to how sophisticated gadgetry can be confusing & utterly useless unless they start taking classes on how to use the consumer product sold & even conduct exams to make sure that the consumer has got the point. We almost banged into a circle, took bad bumpy roads, laughed, bitched, shouted. Basically bonded. And then suddenly I felt empty.
Anyway, we found the venue after taking 2 wrong lanes & then brightly walked into the right hall (after contemplating over which was the right one). People were bugged with me because I was in my jeans. Now, let me admit I am spaced out, so I forgot that I had to go for a wedding.
The bride looked all pretty. Am so happy for her. She is a real nice girl. Just hope she is happy. She should be. She does not question. Sitting around wondering if we will get to eat something. We are famished. Few others from work join us. When the marriage is done, we quickly go & wish her & run out. Most of us were feeling out of place there. I always feel out of place at weddings. Am not anti-social, but have felt the same since my childhood. Walked down, did not want to go home, so 10 of us decided to go to Paradise circle to have ‘bread omelet ‘ on a ‘bandi’. There is nowhere else to go at 4.30 in the morning. Then our Mr.Bouncer comes into action. Few calls here & there & he locates my Boss(ex now,yesterday was his last day) & another senior somewhere 10 km away. We pack into the car & go and join them.
Major awkward time this is. He has avoided me like plague since the day I joined. Don’t ask me why cos I think I know exactly why. Anyway, we get into this shabby place called ‘Diamond’. Major small talk happens & then we warn up enough to have fun. After a decent breakfast & lots of laughter I come to think that he’s ‘quite ok’. Anyway, too late (for him). Breakfast done, we get down, its early morning, drizzling, beautiful. They are standing on the pavement, smoking. We were small talking again & then I was noticing his cigarette. Everytime he moved his hand to the side to dust off the ash I would see this old man sitting there, looking needy, looking like he never had any shelter for days. I feel guilty for the breakfast I had & for the life I have, I wonder when I would have enough money or power to help him & many like him. Nothing else seems more meaningful. I feel empty again.
Parting time, byes said, my ex boss decides to drop me home as its on the way to his home. I so don’t want to go with him as I just don’t know what to talk. Anyway, we get into his new car & then we hit the road. Suddenly I’m feeling good. I like the car. Its drizzling, beautiful morning, been driven, nice music. I don’t want to talk, just drive. For the first time I’m thinking, I want a car like this. I thought I was a minimalist, but then I got to know I’m human. (stressing on the frailties,not the strengths). Suddenly, there’s no image of the old man, or of what I was thinking 15 min ago. Am thinking of when I would be able to afford the car. That’s when a friends line hit me. He says “Us humans are not designed to know how or why even”. He is the one who suggested the name of my blog spot. Guess he knew I would relate to it.Am feeling empty again.